J is for JOKES

Note: This was part of the A-Z Challenge and was put up on April 11 (between I & K) but I messed up and there are now 3 or 4 posts that are dated May 12 instead of their original date. ... I'm always learning....  ;)

I thought I would share some Newfie jokes today. This is not to meant to make fun of Newfoundlanders, but to share their fantastic sense of humour. After all, Newfie jokes originated in Newfoundland and were written by Newfoundlanders, not mainlanders. My favorites involve Garge and Marge who are classic characters in Newfie jokes.

I don't know how old this one is but I was 12 the first time I saw it and it had been around for a long time then. The letter from a Newfie mother to her son.

 Dear Son:

I am writing this slowly because I know you're a slow reader.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most car accidents happened within 20 miles of the home, so we moved. I can't send you the address, cuz the last couple that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine, but the first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen them since.

It rained here only twice last week; first for three days, then for four days.

About the coat you wanted me to send you; Aunt Sue said it the big buttons would make it too heavy to send in the mail so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said that if we didn't make the last payment on Granny's funeral, up she comes.

About your sister; She had a baby this morning! I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out, but the other two drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate open.

Aunt Mabel is knitting you some socks. She would have sent them by now, but I told her that you grew another foot since she last saw you, so she's knitting another one.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,
Mom

PS: I was going to include $20.00 but I had already sealed the envelope before I remembered.
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     Marge, not being able to conceive a child, and hard of hearing goes to the doctor to get a test done to see what's wrong. The doctor says after completing all the tests, "Marge, you have an insufficient passage and if you have anything, it will be a miracle."
     Marge goes home to Garge and says...."Garge!...the doctor told me I have a fish in me passage and if I has anything, it's gonna be a mackerel!"
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Two men are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by a Newfie Mountie. The mountie walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Mountie says, "You're in Newfoundland me son. When we pulls you over, you better have your license ready when we gets to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The Mountie runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him up side the head with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Mountie says,"Just making your wish come true."
The Passenger says, "huh?"
The Mountie says, "I knows that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that arsehole would've tried that crap with me!"
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 A Torontonian, a Nova Scotian, and an old Newfie went into a bar and each ordered a beer. Each found a fly in their beer.
The Torontonian looked in his beer and said, "Hey bartender I have a fly in my beer. Give me another beer."
The Nova Scotian looked in his beer, found the fly, reached in and picked it out and continued drinking.
The old Newfie looked in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out!"

W is for WINNING!

I have never won the lottery but I've dreamed of it many times. Haven't you dreamed of what you would do if you ever won the 'big one'? It's hard to resist.

I've won $2 here and there and the odd free ticket, but really -- I'm ready for more! I'm a good lotto player ... I buy my ticket, check it myself, toss it out and do it all over again the next week.

I have won a few times in my life, though. Around 20 years ago I won a house! .... along with 19 other people. How do you divide a house among 20 people? We got lucky, that's how. One of the girl's and her hubby wanted to buy the house so we each got $6000. Oh happy day! That was nice!

Another time I won a 27" TV. I was thrilled 'cause at the time we just had a 20" at home. This was long before flat screens and LCDs.

Then there was the time at BINGO when I won $97. I split it with 12 other people. LOL!

It's fun to win no matter what the size of the prize. AND I still have the BIG ONE to look forward to. ;)

Have you ever won a prize, big or small?